[NHuntParticipant]

Yes and no… you need to have the Page 19(C100) completed by an Authorised Family Mediator. If the ex will recognise this as mediation, then it will work out. I assume you have letters and other info you can submit to the court. The court may ask for it all to be signed off by some one authorised any way. I have both happen to me in my many cases.

Also, as a grand parent you can have your own mediation and court case too. Perhaps hitting her twice might also help things.

[NHuntParticipant]

Hey,
Sounds like you are at the very start of a tough road and there is not a single answer to any of it. I must ask the question, why are you paying for anything if she has thrown you out and refused visitation? In the eyes of the law there is ZERO connection between the two and she will try and get you to buy visitation. My ex conned me into giving her everything so I could see the kids, then refused visitation and I have been paying CSA/CMS for 12 years while coming out of bankruptcy and have not seen my kids for years.
Seeing the kids, at this stage is NOT on her say so. You are the father and you are still married don’t just assume that she is king.

Also, if you are still married you still own half of everything – you could, with a police escort, go back into the house and get your things.
It also sounds like your ex is making things up to make you hurt. The police do not just put markers on people because a distraught wife makes a phone call.

I suggest you stop giving her any money right away and start to negotiate with her directly.
Video everything and keep records of what she does – I may not mean anything now but will later on. How old are the kids – this must be affecting them (but they will be scared to lose their mum, now that they have kinds lost you for bit).

This is just rambling advice sorry.

[NHuntParticipant]

Sorry about that. I’m not sure what the actual questions are?
False Harassment claims are a typical strategy to not have to face the situation. It seems to work every time…

[NHuntParticipant]

It is hard to give personal advice because you seem to be the best person placed to know what is really happening. You are still quite well grounded and don’t slip back to bad place.

My feeling is to keep a relationship with your kids no matter what. Contact centres are expensive – but now that you are in court already, you don’t need a solicitor (save costs there). Eventually, you can work up to normal visitation, assuming your ex works with the plan.

Once you stop visitation, it is very hard to get it back. Your kids will get older and will start to see the anguish your in. If you stop seeing your kids they will fall victim to what every your ex tells them about you. There are ways to help with the financial aspects of the contact centre – do some research on it. If you are below a certain income level then there is support of some kind. Also, get back to court and simply say that the kids rely on visits with you and the contact centre is too expensive. Have the mum elect someone to sit with you and the kids…

I don’t know what is the right answer as it all comes back to what you, your ex and the judge feels is right collectively. Also, remember to always think from the kids perspective and not your own and point out (to the judge) where your ex only talks about herself.

This is the only advice I can give.

[NHuntParticipant]

Let see if I can help (this is just my opinion):
The CMS can only start a claim from the date it is started – but there are functions she could take to try and get the back payments. These are not enforceable like the CMS and you can fight them. The CMS are evil and I suggest playing your cards carefully to avoid having the CMS anywhere near you or your son. Check out CSAHELL.com – there are plenty of horror stories and good insight into this highly illegal and poorly managed agency. I assume you are paying something and have record of the agreement – if so it would be very difficult to claim any back payments form anywhere.

The Courts are different in every jurisdiction and each judge is different. There is no defined reasonable access or responsibility. Solicitors are the ones who have determined the usual pattern for dads (every other weekend and a day during the week which may or may not include an overnight). Which sounds exactly what your solicitor did for you. Solicitors can make a very decent and compelling argument and help to persuade your ex to comply. This is all that is happening as your ex can shut the door at any time.

I am not sure why you need a solicitor as the current arrangement seems like a good one! You are paying a reasonable maintenance with the status quo visitation. Representing myself was the best thing I ever did, as it saves me a bundle of cash and also allowed me to take total control. It takes time to research, but I found I was doing that anyway with the solicitor. My last two meetings with my solicitor (at a £130/hr) was her asking me what I wanted to do. I paid HER to ask ME what to do?????? The only downside was that I had to negotiate directly with my ex which became volatile.

You know what is best but – my ex wife was a ticking time bomb and once I tried for something extra I lost everything… 10 years later I have been paying the CSA/CMS with zero visitation.

[NHuntParticipant]

It is all going to be about definitive evidence! Good luck!

I wish there was an easy answer to this – I think maybe target the lack of care with proof, like photos and what the children have said.
Are the kids old enough to voice concern – this can be a double edged sword as they don’t want to say anything bad about either parent. Sorry I cant help more.

[NHuntParticipant]

Men have been trying to change the law for decades. As a woman – your help is immeasurable!!!! You can help more than you know to help fathers in this country!!!

[NHuntParticipant]

Well yes and no. She has custody of the child and there would need to be significant evidence for her to every be expected to be tested.
The rules are different for the fathers. This is the horror of the situation – it appears the law and the society believes the mother can never be wrong. So, dad has to prove he is not a criminal before his children be near him. It’s the whole reason we are on this forum actually.
so sad.

[NHuntParticipant]

Hi,
My first suggestion is to fire your solicitor and I assume you have started court?

This is tough road and the mother does hold all the rights… Even with court orders you will still be doing all the work to see the child. Maintenance and visitation are not connected in the eyes of the law – although the mum will probably connect the two.

Try your best to have him start some sort of positive communication with the mum. Even if you think it may take years to make a difference.

good luck.

[NHuntParticipant]

Finance is not something I was successful with because I made a financial deal to have better visitation. My only advice is to separate visitation and finances, not just in your head but altogether. I would ask for half her house – as all assets are jointly owned when married, especially if you sold your house to buy the family home. Also, She cannot predict damages to the home and this is covered by the disability isn’t it?

I hope someone else on the forum can give you real advice – there are a few with good finance backgrounds.

[NHuntParticipant]

That is a typo… Meant to say lets hope she “doesn’t” go down the false allegations route. Sorry about that… finger faster than brain.
Dispute each allegation one by one and be clear about each. CAFCASS and the court can rule things out if they are ridiculous but it will feel like everything is sticking right now. Keep you chin up and focus on your child when making statements.

Domestic violence allegations, but not against you? This is interesting.

[NHuntParticipant]

Well, the CMS is evil beyond compare – so make sure they are in the loop with every step. Send any letter/text to the CMS saying your ex has asked for the money to go into a certain account but you don’t have the number… I always send a letter, make a call and now I use there online service which immediately makes a record of all communications. I also take screen shots of every communication as they do tend to disappear – you are also entitled to have recordings of all phone calls made with the CMS by the FOI act.

Within the law you have to pay maintenance and not having bank account details is NOT going to stop the CMS from acting. You need to make sure they are totally aware of your ex’s awkwardness. It will eventually give as you ex probably wants to get your money the same amount as she wants to hurt you.
There is not connection between visitation and CMS other than the less you see your child the more you pay (but it sounds like you know that).

[NHuntParticipant]

Don’t know much about hair strand testing, but I do know that they test hair to show for long term results – it is not like a blood or urine test. I know that Britney Spears shaved her head to hide something, and it is believed to have been long term drug addiction. Strangely enough she has custody of her child (just saying).

In regards to the contact centre: and centre will do. Book it now and get visitation started ASAP!!!! Lets hope she shows up.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

P.S. my experience tells me that this may go on for a long time – so record EVERYTHING and never be alone with her unless your secretly videoing it.

[NHuntParticipant]

There is not much info here… is this a letter from the judge? I think: if you know the address of your son and there is no order saying you cant see him – then I say go and see him and send letters.
You don’t need a court to be a parent.

[NHuntParticipant]

Edd,

There is not much you can do until you get to court – and hope she turns up. You need to find her as a priority and there is guidance on that within the forum. I am not judging you, but she raised false allegations against you, is a known junky and still let her have unsecured visitation?

Keep all records, Video, photos and evidence to show she is a junky. You also need to keep anything in writing to say that you had custody. The system is heavily against the father and she has clearly been given some guidance on what to do and how to do it. If there is enough evidence to suggest you were the resident parent than you could call the police and report the child missing… this might be slim depending on your evidence.
Were you receiving child tax credits? this would also help you prove that you are the resident parent. I also have a feeling that this is short term and she will need you again soon, so relax a little and send really nice emails and texts pretending you are worried for her… do what you have to do to make your son safe and protect yourself too.

Since she has “recovered” and now is the guardian of the child, there is little you can do. BTW, you could have done the same thing (but we never do, I was the same).

[Author]

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