[NHuntParticipant]

This is quite vague info but I suggest making a deal directly with you ex and ignore CAFCASS. If she gave you access she might do it again. If so, you can ignore the courts and make a private arrangement.
Court will never be helpful for you once you have charges against you – its hard enough for dads who have only had accusations made against them without evidence.

sorry I cant help more.

[NHuntParticipant]

This is horrible. CAFCASS are an evil organisation that promotes fatherless families. But – now you know this too.

I’m sorry mate…

reach out to PA support groups – I think there is alight at the end of the tunnel but it wont be until there is a trigger and your son is old enough. Mu children have simply been bought to remain with their mother now that they are older.

I really hope there is a change for us all.

[NHuntParticipant]

Paul,

This is similar to what happened to me. The court loves to hide behind the “wishes and feelings” of the children and that age is about 14 but can be earlier for girls. Also, the court has little or no effect on a parent or child who just don’t want to play ball. Most of my experience with the court suggests they delay things until the kids are old enough to make their own decision and forces the hand of the mother. But, as with both our cases the kids have made a decision to protect the parent within their reality.
it is common with children who are victims of Parental Alienation to support the oppressor because of fear to lose both parents. If they side with dad then they think they will lose mum forever and then have to rely on there memory of dad being a good bloke. But, when their memory or vision is skewed they revert back to supporting what they know. Also, I am very sure mum has given the “I have done so much for you and this how you treat me” speech.

Your children are old enough to make their own decisions and you don’t need court any longer. Always remember to smile when you speak with your kids and try your best to remain in contact some how. I set up a website for them and if you search their names they find me. I just about cyber stalk them on social media and have recently been back in contact with their older brother (my ex step son) who has now confirmed all the PA that happens with their mum and grand parents.

The system is wrong and very broken. Join us on a small protest in the Summer to the CAFCASS office…

[NHuntParticipant]

I don’t understand this totally – if you have a 50:50 agreement then you can just go and take your kids? going to court just giver her the kids and makes her the resident parent. I strongly suggest you settle this before court.
Legal aid wont really matter if you represent yourself. But legal aid will bankrupt you if you have a solicitor… letters back and forth for years are chargeable and she knows it.

I won in court and my ex just ignored it. Keep this in mind too…

[NHuntParticipant]

CAFCASS is only a recommendation – it sound like the judge is on the right track. I assume this is a custody case? Go for as much visitation as you can and then slowly let mum self-destruct. The shame of PA is: the more mum degrades the more the child thinks they have to do something about it. You have to be careful and pretend the mother is “doing so well” when your with your son. PA sucks! and mums have the inside lane with our system.

I have never actually heard of a case where the judge actually states the mum is guilty. In the States and Canada you can sue her with that evidence… just saying.

[NHuntParticipant]

I would not bother with a solicitor for the family courts – but I think you most certainly need one for the financials.

Kids can sometimes just want to hide from the situation and this may not totally be you. Don’t stress yet. Boys do tend to protect the mum but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel once they get older… just remember to smile and be happy when you speak with them or see them. You will want them to remember you that way.
The judge will want to hear from your 13 year old most certainly and there is not need to pay a solicitor to get this bad news. Represent yourself and try your best to see your son outside of the court. if there is no court order then there is no reason you cant bump into your son somewhere.
The older kids is a sad situation – try your best with them and work it out. Sounds like mum has done a number here. parental alienation takes a long to fully employ and it sounds like you have been degraded long before the split.

Even if you prove PA there is little that can happen – so don’t get hung up on it. And the finances severely influence visitation so think twice before you make any financial deal – she WILL try and blackmail you over visitation. Has she called the CSA yet – are you paying her money?

[NHuntParticipant]

The CSA/CMS use your PAYE to determine how much you make. Simply, if you had a limited company with directors then you can off set the money and essentially show you making a very small income. The CMS would only be able to go by your end of year tax returns.
Try and think like Starbucks, or Google or Jimmy Carr or anyone in Take That. What the government don’t know – they don’t know.

BTW, things will start to happen quick but remember to chill and smile. Never let your kids see you angry. Time will heal but your kids emotions are paramount. Don’t let them have a memory of dad being angry – this is the one thing I wish I did different. it hard to smile when your ex has all the power and is twisting a knife.

Good luck dude.

[NHuntParticipant]

I would not leave the home until you have a financial agreement. Also, I would not discuss the kids until ALL financial matters are settled.
She is trying to get rid of you so she can keep the house and blackmail you with the kids. The CSA/CMS use the overnight stays to determine how much you owe – less visitation, more money for her. No matter what happens in court you will always have to pay maintenance (although if you have a limited company there are some things you can do).

Once you leave the house and the kids remain with her – you have lost everything. Possession in everything.

Also, don’t just assume that the kids will go with her. Do you have the child tax credits in your name or hers? usually the CSA/CMS us this to determine who is the resident parent. I will imagine that her solicitor has told her all the tricks to swindle you and hurt the kids.

Also, also, my ex decided one day the best way to get rid of me was to claim I was violent. it worked…. 12 years later she is still claiming it to great effect and without any evidence or proof.

Just be careful and keep a happy relationship with the kids. don’t just roll over and assume she will keep her word.

[NHuntParticipant]

Hey,
This is a very sad situation but far better than most fathers on the site.
I think there is a train of thought to suggest the mother is unstable and needs help? You are actually controlling this whole thing with money it sounds.
Don’t be afraid to take control of your kids if they are in danger – or have you let her become the resident parent?

Hope it works out.

[NHuntParticipant]

First step is not use a solicitor – unless you have lots of available cash and are not worried about having control.

There are a million choices to make at this stage and the solicitor will give one choice (as they want to suck you dry of all your money). Questions:
Is there an order in place?
How old are kids?
Do you know where they are? – I assume so because you know your ex’s address – can you contact them directly?

the longer you go without seeing them, then the harder it is to get contact back. It may be time to start mediation so you can file your C100 for court. Sending one letter costs as much as filing court documents. And your ex is far more likely to attend court than answer a letter.

[NHuntParticipant]

There is not much you can do other than try and contact your daughter (remember to be positive). I went through the same thing…
I assume CAFCASS are involved? The wishes and feeling letters will be written by your daughter but most likely in the presence of a CAFCASS officer or even the mother. It is a keenly used tool by the courts to get the dirt from the child. The problem lies with reading between the lines or trying to interpret it. A child at 11 may only write superficially and I am very surprised the judge made this choice so early. My daughters wrote theirs at 12 and 14 – and guess what – they said I was a bad person for not seeing them for years… it was after 9 years of court at that point. Parental Alienation starts early and I keeping in touch with your daughter is the most important thing right now!

Breaching court orders is what mothers do – and doing nothing is what the court does. This is why this organisation exists.

[NHuntParticipant]

Not sure how the Child Act will evict you. But, violence will or even allegations of violence will. If I were you, I would be careful.
It does feel odd that she wants to get rid of you now? There is also a lot of evidence from Scandinavia to suggest that children living with both parents after divorce (where there isn’t violence) being very good for the kids.
Don’t let the solicitors scare you but at the same time don’t lose the communication with your ex.

Another tactic would be to claim she is violent, call the police and evict her. Don’t assume that she just entitled to the kids…

[NHuntParticipant]

It is a step for sure. if only we could get the courts to recognise it earlier and do some thing about it. PA experts suggest the best way to stop it is to give the child more alone time with each parent. As the system stands, PA just runs riot when Dad is not around.
I wonder when the country will notice the effect it is having on society – and to not assume that when the Dad is absent it is his fault.

[NHuntParticipant]

Mark,
In England it generally goes like this:
Mediation (either she goes or doesn’t)
C100 form ( you need the Mediation Sign off to get started)
First Hearing (usually this is the judge trying weigh out things – your ex may not show)
Another first hearing (assuming your ex either doesnt show or submits false allegations)

a number of things can happen after this. There may be issues that can bring in CAFCASS. If this happens then you almost start over again.
All this can easily be avoided if you and the Ex just agree on visitation. If this happens be sure to get the judge to sign it off. Not that the judges signature means anything, but it does give you rights when you with the kids (like not being arrested for kidnapping)

I wish there was a template to follow… but there isn’t. That is the reason we are all on this site – the system is broken and wrong.

[NHuntParticipant]

I’m in. I can meet you guys anywhere in London (I’m based in Milton Keynes). Perhaps we plan something for the summer?

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